Badfur 13 Posted September 23, 2012 Report Share Posted September 23, 2012 Look around and you'll see I do this with everyone. ------------------------------------- Xbox 720…. Real or Make-believe? Rumors of the release of a next-gen console have been buzzing around for the past few years. Lately we have heard of a quite anticipated project involving Microsoft Corporation. That’s right the Xbox 720. Last year at E3 we learned that this project is in fact real and has been going through the works for some time now. In 2010 a document which in 2011 became a full blown schematics disclosed that Microsoft has been trying to take video games from the players television and place it into his/her vicinity. Two years ago at E3, they showed first signs of this by introducing the first motion-sensored gaming technology called “Kinectâ€. It revolutionized the way we look at gaming. But how real is the 720? Sources state that not only is Microsoft making a next-gen console, but they are also making accessories to go along with this already futuristic technology. One of the accessories will be glasses that will be similar to 3d glasses but will allow you to move the player’s point of view. It sounds quite far-fetched, but the rumored release date is sometime next year. Will this technological revolution come forth toward the light or will it be just another rumor on the wind? Either way it gives gamers like me something to look forward to in this New Year coming up. The real question is: Are we, the gamers, ready for such a ground-breaking ordeal? ------------------------------------------------- So, first up, breaking things up mid sentence is bad, don't do it. The following is much better: -------------------------------------------------- Xbox 720…. Real or Make-believe? Rumors of the release of a next-gen console have been buzzing around for the past few years. Lately we have heard of a quite anticipated project involving Microsoft Corporation. That’s right the Xbox 720. Last year at E3 we learned that this project is in fact real and has been going through the works for some time now. In 2010 a document which in 2011 became a full blown schematics disclosed that Microsoft has been trying to take video games from the players television and place it into his/her vicinity. Two years ago at E3, they showed first signs of this by introducing the first motion-sensored gaming technology called “Kinectâ€. It revolutionized the way we look at gaming. But how real is the 720? Sources state that not only is Microsoft making a next-gen console, but they are also making accessories to go along with this already futuristic technology. One of the accessories will be glasses that will be similar to 3d glasses but will allow you to move the player’s point of view. It sounds quite far-fetched, but the rumored release date is sometime next year. Will this technological revolution come forth toward the light or will it be just another rumor on the wind? Either way it gives gamers like me something to look forward to in this New Year coming up. The real question is: Are we, the gamers, ready for such a ground-breaking ordeal? ----------------------------------------------- See, that looks better already. But time for the edits: Xbox 720…. Real or Make-believe? /// The extra periods are not necessary in the title, a colon (:) would be fine. Lately we have heard of a quite anticipated project involving Microsoft Corporation. /// This is a very wordy sentence. Fluff is bad. The same sentence can be said in a slightly shorter format. Good article without fluff > longer article with it. That’s right the Xbox 720. /// This is a fragment, not only should there be a comma after the 'right', it doesn't sound well by itself. I suggest adding it to the previous sentence. from the players television and place it into his/her vicinity. /// It's player's. Possesive in the case you used it.. It revolutionized the way we look at gaming. /// Same as above, add it to the previous sentence. But how real is the 720? /// Don't start a sentence with 'But'. One of the accessories will be glasses that will be similar to 3d glasses but will allow you to move the player’s point of view. /// 'will be glasses that will be' is very wordy and unnecessary. Taking out 'that will be' still provides the same meaning. Also, comma after 'glasses' the second time it is used. Either way it gives gamers like me something to look forward to in this New Year coming up. /// Our audience is gamers. So, it would be gamers like us. New Year shouldn't be capitalized either, at least, not in the method that you are using it. I suggest removing it entirely and just say 'next year' or something to that effect for the last half of the sentence. Fluff = bad. --------------------------------------- Edits done, for now. There are a few other minor ones, but I'm done for now, you get the general gist of it. Rewrite it, and we'll go from there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Awards
KSI Voodoo 12 Posted September 23, 2012 Report Share Posted September 23, 2012 Well that helps me a lot and I will fix that. I appreciate the remarks because it allows me to understand what I need to work on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options... Awards
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