LadyRukia - Gears of War: Judgment

[Badfur 13]

So, here is something I plan on doing. Whenever someone applies to the team (and if they get accepted) I am going to copy and paste their sample into a topic and do a full editing job on it. As you will see below, I will address what I feel is wrong with it, and try to explain why I feel it is wrong, and how it can be improved. I will also (if I have time) provide a version that I wrote myself that is how I feel it should be written. If time does not exist at that moment, for me, then people will be expected to redo it and make it look better. This being the first time I am doing it however, so we will see how things go. Below, you will see what LadyRukia submitted.

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Gears Of War Judgement gameplay is probably one of the most frequently asked questions about the games so let's go through the basics.

First person control schemed:Epic and People can fly removed the chunky D-Pad we all remember from Gears 3 for several good reasons. One being not fast enough to change weapons during battle and with the fast gameplay Gears is known for this was an issue.

Left Bumper (LB) For Grenades:They can now be thrown out quickly from cover, and if you hold LB you can throw them without being exposed to your enemy which is a great plus.

Longshot now can hold 4 clips per round: From previous Gears games we remember only having one clip, due to the new gameplay Epic and People Can Fly feel this is more suitable for this game. Now giving us higher chances of killing an enemy.

Stopping Power Is Removed: No more getting paralyzed by that pesky lancer and getting downed easily. As we remember from gears 3 once your attacked by a Lancer or Retro your automatically stunned in battle.

These are the biggest gameplay changes for Gears Of War Judgement which we are all eagerly excited for. The release date will be on March 19, 2013.

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So, there are several things wrong with this. That is ok, as it is your first time writing an article (or so I would guess based on the application).

To start with, format. Lists are fine, in some cases, but I would not recommend trying to write an article in list format. Before you write the article itself, making a list is a good idea for ordering your thoughts, so that you have a clear progression for how the article should go.

"Gears Of War Judgement gameplay is probably one of the most frequently asked questions about the games so let's go through the basics." Gameplay is different from mechanics. What you are referencing here falls into the mechanics category. It also isn't the greatest of starting lines. I suggest, as far as introductions go, introduce what will occur throughout the article. Explain briefly what you are going to talk about, and then dedicate short paragraphs to explain in a bit more detail what you referenced in the introduction.

First person control schemed:Epic and People can fly removed the chunky D-Pad we all remember from Gears 3 for several good reasons. One being not fast enough to change weapons during battle and with the fast gameplay Gears is known for this was an issue.

Alright, so. Let's break this up a little bit. "First person control schemed:Epic and People can fly" After a colon, always put a space. "Epic and People can fly" doesn't make sense. After briefly looking it up, I can understand that you are referencing Epic Games, and People Can Fly (capital letters for names), which are the game developers behind the game. It isn't clear who, or what, you are referring to, so a slight adjustment is in order to clear that up.

"the chunky D-Pad we all remember from Gears 3 for several good reasons. One being not fast enough to change weapons during battle and with the fast gameplay Gears is known for this was an issue." A couple of issues here. Saying "the chunky D-Pad" is a bit off of what I feel you are trying to imply. I'm guessing that the D-Pad is harder to use and is slower than using a joystick (or whatever else you use). In this case, a different term besides chunky would be necessary.

"...we all remember from Gears 3 for several good reasons. One being..." Ok, you only give one reason why the D-Pad was changed. While there may be several reasons, starting the next sentence with "One being" implies that you are going to list multiple reasons. You didn't do that, and it can throw the reader off a bit.

The rest of that sentence, "not fast enough to change weapons during battle and with the fast gameplay Gears is known for this was an issue" is not that bad, however, I do recommend a slight restructure to fit whatever new way you introduce to it (given that saying "One being" is a bad start for only one reason.)

"Left Bumper (LB) For Grenades:They can" Again, put a space after a colon, but aside from that, (and the fact it is in a list), it's pretty decent.

"Longshot now can hold 4 clips per round: From previous Gears games we remember only having one clip, due to the new gameplay Epic and People Can Fly feel this is more suitable for this game. Now giving us higher chances of killing an enemy." Alright, so, this is mixed up terminology. There are rounds (bullets) in a clip (magazine clip), not the other way around. You capitalized Epic and People Can Fly here, which is good, but the next sentence "Now giving us a higher chances of killing and enemy" besides adding an extra 's' to chance, it is also a fragment. Rewording it to still express the same thought, but being more fluid would be a better option, in my opinion.

"These are the biggest gameplay changes for Gears Of War Judgement which we are all eagerly excited for. The release date will be on March 19, 2013." You spelled Judgment incorrectly, and after Gears of War, there should be a colon.. I also suggest rephrasing how it will be released. "Gears of War: Judgment will be released on March 19, 2013." This still gets it across, but flows better, in my opinion.

Here is how I feel it should have been written, based on what you wrote, and keeping those same main points.

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Many people are curious about the gameplay mechanics for Gears of War: Judgment. There are several notable changes: First person controls, left bumper for grenades, Longshot can now hold four rounds per clip, and stopping power is removed.

Epic Games and People Can Fly, the developers for the game, removed the clunky D-Pad that was used in the previous games for several reasons. The main reason is that it did not allow the player to change weapons during battle quick enough. Gears of War is a fast-paced series – slow reactions and movement are a hindrance in a game like this – making the change an obvious, and much needed one.

Holding the left bumper for grenades is another excellent change. They can now be thrown quickly, from behind cover, allowing for players to takedown the enemy without being exposed. This is a vast improvement from before, and an obvious advantage for players behind cover.

The Longshot sniper rifle used to be a single-shot, bolt-action sniper rifle. This gun is receiving an upgrade, allowing for four shots to be fired before having to reload. This takes a once very deadly, and very risky weapon and turns it into a very deadly and slightly less risky weapon. Having the ability to fire three more shots before reloading gives players more options, and the ability, with a bit of luck and skill, to take down multiple targets before becoming vulnerable while reloading. This can be the difference between life and death, and is a very welcome change to Longshot users everywhere.

Lastly is that stopping power is being removed. Previously, when attacked by a Lancer or Retro, a player would automatically be stunned in battle. Getting stunned in battle is asking for death from a variety of targets. Removing this one change drastically improves survival, and gives players a more diverse set of options for playing the game.

While these are not all the changes present in Gears of War: Judgment, they are certainly the major ones. Gears of War: Judgment will be released on March 19, 2013.

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Please give me your thoughts on the changes. Do you have an opinion on them? Do you think I did something wrong, and believe your way of writing a certain part is better? Are there any changes you would like to implement to it?

Also, please use this example as a reference for future articles. It is much like an essay, you have an introduction, where you present your points. The main body where you discuss them, and then the closing paragraph where you wrap things up.

Thoughts, comments, suggestions? Anyone can comment here on it.