KSI Black Shade

Hello, I'm Devin A. Ross, ''Shade'', ''BlackRobe Shade'', ''KSI A317 Shade'', ''KSI Shade 7'', ''KSI KingShade 7'', ''Shadeicins'', or ''Devin-Roids''. I'm 18 as you may have seen on my profile, but I've always been one to act and carry myself in a manner five to ten years elder my own age. I was born in Black River Falls, WI. Moved to MN when I was about three, I've been, more or less here ever since.

My life has brought me an abundance of misery. Everyone I've ever cared for or loved\ has left me, betrayed me, or died. I've lost too many whom were close to me to even numerically count and as such you'll find me to be very distant and not really caring as to who you are or what your feelings are and/or what you want. Honestly if you're a selfish, ignorant, oblivious, wicked person, or a liar, then I don't care to know you and it's these very people who tend to avoid me and repel me away from them. If you're kind, intelligent, loving, caring, understanding, wise, respectable, morally sound and ect, then you and me have a lot in common.

I wasn't always as tattered as I am to this point, I always had something keeping me anchored to life, or someone rather. As I said before, I grew elder much ahead of the growth rate of any my own age and several that are many years my advance and this effect applied itself to the way I saw relationships. As I young child, say ten or so I had already started dating around, as I wished to seek not a ''girlfriend'' then, but a companion, as someone whom could take away my pain and numb it with love. People in general at such an age rarely are able to identify what such a relationship's substances would consist of and find it as such to be rather odd to be searching for that at such a young age, although most haven't lived the life I have been cursed to embark upon either. I dated several of these females until about the age of thirteen to which case I had abandoned any hope of intelligent reasoning, or care from another human being at this point.

I fell madly in love with a girl I had met one rainy evening as I was walking home from a friend's house. The way she stared at me was breathtaking and her smile had caressed the strings of my heart... So I had to know who she was. For weeks I talked with her about, well, everything. It was mystifying as we'd dine upon eachother's thoughts materialized into word, I felt as though I had become lost within her mind and I didn't care to find my way out. A few months went by of this and I began to realize she had a ''boyfriend'', or rather an exuberantly rich, wealthy, spoiled little brat whom had been passed down from his wealthy family anything his greedy heart desired. I followed the kid around, profiled his every move, slowly began to build up evidence against him, as no relationship built from the foundations of currency goes without scandal and one day I found it.

As I had been walking to her house about a month later, I witnessed him parked outside his house engrossed on another female within the shaded windows of his car. I walked up to the car, ripped the door open and pulled him out onto the concrete and proceeded to beat him into a bloodied pulp. The kid had been stricken with horror as most are upon my wrong side. He promised to leave her alone and that he would tell her the truth and never speak to her again as I had ordered him to. I was there for her when she needed a firm shoulder to rest her tear-filled eyes upon for about a week strait. She came home everyday in a depressive rage and would just lock us in her bedroom and we'd simply lay there on her bed as she vented her frustration and bitter tears upon me.

As the week ended and we had gone through the same ritual towards the end of that day, she did something different, something changed about her. She stopped crying and she held onto me tighter and she looked into my eyes and I stared back and she smiled and pressed her head against my chest in the area my heart would be. She sat there for a good few hours and told me, ''you're heart expels pain...'', to which case at the time I didn't know how to respond so I just smiled as she had made me feel beyond words at that moment. We didn't fall asleep until 5a.m. that night and we slept until 8p.m. the next day. When I woke up, she hadn't left that evening, she was awake, but still laying on my chest, absorbing the acoustics of my heart palpitating in my chest. As I tried to get up, I can vividly remember her digging her nails into my chest and whispering, ''Devin... I think I love you...'' and again, at the time I didn't know how to respond so I said, ''You're sure you mean that?'' to which she responded, ''I'm sure the sun will rise tomorrow, i'm sure the moon will rise that night, i'm sure I want you to eclipse them both.''

After that night things were forever different between us. For about four and a half years we delved deeper into our relationship. She was everything to me and I was everything to her, period. There was scarcely a second we weren't together and abroad that, exchanging a deeper understanding for the word love. Those whom have not felt it will find it impossible to comprehend, as it would be the equivalent of describing in detail to a man whom had been blind since birth what the color blue is. Yes, at the end of the day he may say blue he may touch something colored blue, he may hear ''the blues'', but he will never actually comprehend the philosophical value of blue; the same being with love.

I decided after I turned eighteen to get engaged to Kelly and we had made plans to get married once I could support myself, though she offered to assist me financially, I refused the offer. I worked close to 24/7 in the concrete and masonry practice to earn as much money as I possibly could, saving every dime and spending none. Everything was all planned out... I had bought my own car, I had found an apartment we could afford, I was starting to look at rings I would like to buy her... Then about 4 months back now we had been out running together as we usually did by ritual. We held hands while we ran sometimes... And that day I had been holding her hand.

We had ran to a four way intersection in the middle of the night, say about 10 p.m. so it was pitch black outside. I never saw it coming, I didn't hear it, there was nothing I could have done to have prevented it, but a semi hadn't seen the stop sign apparently, nor did he see us. It happened so quick I hardly was given a second to process what had just happened, I just remember hearing a scream and the roar of the semi and then nothing... I looked down at my hand and puked in the middle of the road. Her hand was all that remained placed within mine. The driver never stopped and I never went to the funeral. If I would have seen her lying there dead, I would have died where I stood. I've spent the last few months reliving memories of her in my ''dreams'', which all turn to lucid nightmares as i'm forced to watch her body get hit, over and over and over and ****ing over. Every night I wake up in a pool of cold sweat and yell out her name, realizing only after the fact that she's not here; that she hasn't been for about four months... but I can't rationalize that. My body simply won't accept it, because without her, there is no other female on this earth that could even dream nor hope to live up to her standard of perfectness.

With that is why I write. Me and her had wrote several unpublished works together and we enjoyed every second of it. I honestly couldn't quench my desire for her thoughts and her imagination and I believe her vice versa. Writing and work and God are all that keep me alive right now. I write in the belief that perhaps she's sitting over my shoulder each night with her beautiful chin rested upon me with that analyzing smile of hers as she watches my thoughts flow as water onto page after page. I work with the belief that it honors my due service to her, that I am still her man and I must still display that conviction through the vicious circle that always results in back pain. Finally God keeps me alive in the fact that I know she's in heaven, in paradise, awaiting for me and that if I live an honorable life and uphold Christ's values, I might have a slight chance, no matter how meager it be, to be united with her once more and that is enough for me to drop everything for.

This has been an extremely miniscule section of one percentage of my life, especially being that one cannot truly describe the course of five years in a few paragraphs entirely vividly. I do apologize if it doesn't completely and accurately depict who I am, but it gives you a relative idea at least. I suppose anything else you'd like to know, you're just going to have to ask and depending on what you ask is what answer you'll get. If you ask of me nothing, don't expect me to enlighten you.